Search Through the Soul

just random rammbling:

2006-10-17T18:27:00.000-07:00

I just finished my doll website! What ever needs to be added now, will come as i get the children themselves...or something i think to add. :)

http://www.geocities.com/siloutemirage

Please take a look if you like, and tell me what you think!!

Random Musings:

2006-10-16T12:37:00.000-07:00

Hmm its been a long while since i last wrote in here. alot has happened since then, and yet from reading my last blog, i'm not quite sure how long ago that even was. i figured it was complications in my relationship, that have since been solved...so i really cant even say anything about that.

So whats new in my life? I'm no longer in school, really on my own choice. you know its pretty frustrating to go and take classes over and over again and not even know if thats what you even need to take because you dont even know what major you want to major in. My reasoning behind it all? i needed to find a job as back up to school falling apart on me.

And i did find it. i started working in a trophy shop for awhile. and let me tell you thats certainly an interesting "trade." I never expected such complexties...and such simplicities in something thats held so special to so many people. the "art" of making a trophy or plaque really isnt very impressive. the machinary used to make the parts or labels are far more impressive then the end product themselves. either way i learned some interesting things. did some interesting stuff, and felt pretty cool to be the one behind the scenes making something to honor someone.

unfortunatly that lasted really shortly...they laid me off cause they couldnt afford to keep me on staff. i guess thats the problem working for a small mom and pop job. so after that i went on vacation.

I went to Georgia to see the new Georgia aquariam. it was great! we had a great time. after that we spent the rest of the time on the road. i wish i would have taken pics of more then just the aquariam itself. Georgia and Alabhama are actually quite beautiful, and i saw some nice sceneary. a pleasent change to that of Florida.

After that i spent alot of time at home. finding work in this town is alwasy diffcult. but recently i found work in the job bank for the county. so far i'm content to work here doing random tid bits of clerical work. i like it. its not bad and i feel "helpful" for lack of a better word. :)

Last friday was my birthday so i'm also another year older. nothing truely eventful happened. i just went out to dinner with my boyfriend and Amanda and we had a good time. also corey and i have been dating for over 4 years now...yeah i know when are we going to do something else about it? dont ask me. i wouldnt know.

so hmmm...there really isnt anything else thats new. i still dabble in interesting art projects, always trying to make something interesting new. starting new hobbies...but nothing note worthy....so yeah. thats the past few months in a nutshell...umm incase anyone is interested. :P

2006-05-08T23:47:00.000-07:00

"Where do you go when your lonely?
Where do you go when your blue?
where do you go when your lonely?
I will follow you."

What is four years to someone? what is four minutes? are they the same, or different? What about love? i know everyone shows love differently, but does it mean the same to everyone? does it really have the same definition to every single person who experiences it.

How about intimacy? whether its sex or less...four play, or hugging or kissing...what if the smallest gesture means the world to one partner, and to the other its just a gesture? does this make the intimacy of the relationship any less? is it tarnished? is it unsastisfactory? is it wrong?

what about trust? what exactly does it mean. does it mean to give everything up for that feeling of safty, happiness and comfort that the term trust brings to mind? why is it so diffcult to trust? the world is painful whether you trust or not. If you love someone for a long time, but hold yourself back for fear of getting hurt if that person leaves; wont it hurt all the same if the person leaves, and you never tell them you love them? wont it hurt more from the regret of not saying it? it hurts if you say you love them...and it hurts if you dont say anything at all. at least you wont regret not saying it, if the worse happens.

If you have dreams, of happiness, marriage and future endevours is that bad? does that mean your trying to change your partner, because you dream of these things. if you really want it, does it mean you want to change them. even if you dont care how long it will take, does it really mean your trying to change them. if its mutual then why is it so bad.

can i really be so selfish, that when someone is trying to tell me something i wont see it? what if there silent with their pleads? i dont understand his silence. i feel like i've given everything...and he doesnt. but at the same time, he gives me time and energy and money...and apperantly time and dreams were sacraficed for me. but all for the idea of "wanting to help me." is wanting to help me, the same as wanting to BE WITH me? why am i sacrafice? am i being selfish for clinging on to him? why doesnt he say anything, when i do exactly what he asks of me. to the tee...no devations this time. i spoke my mind, off the bat, and didnt wait till the last minute, or late at night to say anything. yet i was so un-satisified with the simple "ok" i got in response of my comment...that i dragged it out into the lack of communication argument.

and there is a lack of communication. or is there a lack of understanding. maybe its a lack of understanding. maybe i've just lost my patience to wait for him. i know theres something special about him. i want him to see it. i just cant explain it. i cant see it, or touch it, or explain it....but i feel it. this "thing" whatever it is, is what keeps me in this relationship...because i know i can help "it"...help him...if he'll let me. but he wont let me in.

I dont think he trusts me. isnt four years enough to establish trust? i asked him once if something really bad ever happened to him, and he told me no. i dont know if that was truthful, but why would i not believe him...so then why is it so diffcult to trust and love? i dont understand. i cant understand his silence. is his silence the key? i dont know. why cant he tell me what hes thinking? why cant he let me in? am i that bad? am i a posion?

yet i feel like i've abandoned him. i told him my feelings, every feeling, tear...everything poured out like a well of water. but still i feel horriable and like i've abandoned him. i feel horriable. like i've failed as girlfriend. I'm selfish, dis-respecting, a slut, just plain wrong. i dont understand. i dont. i thought it was all for love and happiness...where'd the love and happiness go? what have i been doing for 4 years? what? all i get for the majority of the conversation is silence. why? what have i done. why silence? whats it mean?

maybe i should go away. just pack up and leave. not say anything to anyone...leave them to wonder in silence. maybe i should be the lone wolf i always thought i was intended to be. maybe i should just walk into the ocean and not come back...on comeing traffic...something.

why am i never good enough for anything? why cant i understand? why...

why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why

*cries*
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Troubled times:

2006-04-10T10:00:00.000-07:00

Well i know i've rammbled on about this for awhile. i know i said i wouldnt say anything and just bid my time as a warning.

well last night everything i said flew out the window.

i went to church like usual on sundays (i spent saturday in miami if anyone was curious) i almost didnt show up, but i was there. i woke up early and couldnt sleep so i decided rather then waste my morning tossing and turning i'd go to church. the sermon was typical of the easter month sermons. (getting a little bored of em actually...oooh bad christian here.) and afterwards i grabbed some cookies and waited for corey to finish doing his usher duties...but then he had to run off to a voters meeting. Those damn meetings take all frickin day. men are so un-decisive and they call women undecisive. so i helped the little kids with their easter egg hun, kind of. i just amused myself watching them really. their cute.

As people left the church i picked up corey's suit jacket and tie, and moved it to the fellowship hall cause i wasnt sure if the pastors wife would lock up the church when she left. bah oh well not imporant. after time, the meeting let out, i gave corey his stuff and like usual bam he was gone. we made plans to meet up later and go to the mall.

I knowing corey well, came home, had lunch, watched part of a moive on tv, and took a shower, before he actually showed up. so we didnt leave till like three. we were at the mall till 6. we had dinner at the mall. mmm pizza. and then i suggest we go to clam pass again. (bad idea on my part.) the beach was beautiful at sunset. we walked around some paths, but the no-see-um's kept biting me, so in the end i was pretty miserable. but we did sit in a chair together to watch the sunset and that was nice. and we were happy.

...we were happy all the way home, were we teased each other and stuff. nautrally it is 9pm and corey is tired....and thats when it happened. (mind you i didnt wait till 11 o clock to tell him this stuff. dont i get anything for that? *sighs*) I told him i loved him very much, and that i'd do anything for him. that i feel like i've done most of the work in this relationship. that if i dont call, or make plans or do whatever, would he actually do anything in return. (sounds familiar right?) then i told him that i think hes married to work, and scouts...and that he uses that as an excuse. i tried to leave out the whole sleeping issue completly. because thats something beyound his control...ooutside of maybe eating better, or seeing a docotor about it. i asked him if he was really happy with the way things are currently...he said yes. (and i'm still not so sure.) thats what made everything i said after that make me feel horriable.

I told him its almost 4 years together. that i think i've changed, hopefully for the better. that i seriously doubt that i can phase out the annoying quirks i have. i want him to realise this, cause i dont think he does. i told him i understand who he is, the quiet guy, the non-romantic guy...stuff like that...but then i told him i conflict with what i need and what i want. i told him hes everything i need. he kind and sweet, gentle, protective, and he cares...but is it wrong to want to see him more. (told him once a week isnt enough and wensdays dont really count) would it kill him to be more spontanious once in a blue moon? i told him i couldnt remember the last time he'd actually agreed without some excuse or something to just up and do something like Tuesday night. maybe i'm forgetting sometime...but either way...i couldnt. In the end i told him i'm not happy. that i'm really sorry about everything i do that ticks him off like what i was doing that very moment.

I told him that i'm tired of trying everything in my power to make things better. that i dont know what else to do...i told him its up to him now. the balls in his court. i told him he's looseing me.

After a few more moments of silence...i got up and went to my car to get some tissues, cause i was crying the whole time. i told him he should go, cause he was tired before and wanted to leave. but i couldnt let my feelings go un-said again. i came back and sat down, and i hadnt noticed he'd already started walking away. i got my keys out, opened the door, turned the light out, and watched him walk away. i got inside before he turned out the driveway, but i stopped to watch him again. maybe that will be the last time i see him....i dont know.
it's up to him.

unless he keeps me hanging till i have to break things up.
i said a prayer and read a book to calm my nerves as i was freezing and shaking. i felt relieved to finally say those things, but now i'm just plain worried. i dont know where i stand now.
so yeah thats whats up.

sorry for the long rammble...i'm going to go wash the dog, or eat lunch, or cry or something....

Trouble in Paradise:

2006-04-03T19:04:00.000-07:00

...*shakes Bojangles.*

I'm trying. trying to keep a postive outlook on things. trying really really hard.but its not working.

I'm really all tied up over the relationship thing. i'm not happy at all. i run through my options in my head over and over again. i cry...i do it again. i hope, dream, cry some more. i'm stuck. stuck stuck stuck stuck. i hate it.

i dont even work tommorow. they called me and told me that work is sooo slow that they dont need me. blah. called amanda but she cant come out and play, so i might go over to school tommorow and hang out with peoples from there. dunno though. i'm not really in a social mood.

i just want something different.

i want out of everything.

maybe i should just take a break.

i dont want to do that with our anniversary right around the corner. i mean, major bummer.

big chris is annoying the hell out of me.

i'm on my damn period so i'm extra emo too. argh. ARGH!!! FUCK FUCKITY FUCK FUCK!!!

*cries*

I'm lieing to myself...i know what i have to do, but i dont want to do it. my heart is breaking. i never thought this would come to be. but i guess its not the first time my hearts been shattered and i've wanted to die from it. whats new, right? I'm convienced God doesnt want me to be happy anyways....so whatever....

Looking at Myself...:

2006-03-28T21:29:00.000-08:00

Looking at Myself......Through someone else's eyes.

First off i'd like to say that this entry is a result to something i realised the other night. it might not make any sense to anyone except me. (although amanda and katt might have a better understanding.) but i just felt the need to write it out clearly. i'm sorry if these odd posts seem so abstract...i guess thats how my brain thinks. so i'll guess i'll start, and hopefully someone will be able to follow along.

When i was younger my head was always stuck in a dream world. a fantasy world that I created. not from a book, or a movie...but a world that i myself created. I always passed it off as an over reactive imagination, and never thought of it much. I created characters that seemed real to me, and no one else. they lived and breathed in my mind, almost to the point where i could speak with them. often acting out their interactions with each other in my head or in play.

I remember i used to refer to my characters as my "children."

They were special too me, like friends i could never have. but again, i never thought much of it. as the years passed, i dreamt up new worlds and characters but i never forgot the old ones. constantly adding onto these worlds makeing them bigger and better. right up untill about junior or senior year of highschool, those worlds occupied my time and imagination. right up untill i realised that my stories and characters were my escape from reality. things went down hill from there. a depression hit, and that was about the last time my art and stories were really used as an escape...since then i've embraced reality, and my worlds started slipping away from me.

I hardly draw my "children" anymore. i never could understand why. i could remember them vividly, but they just never saw paper as much as they used to...they just slipped away...and i became engrossed in life and trying to figure myself out. untill i just didnt use them as an escape anymore (very rarely anyways, as i sometimes still write in a few rpg's) the other night i had a thought hit me, and its changed the way i view these characters of mine.

these characters, are me!

They are extensions of myself, my wants, desires, dreams, and sorrows. they took me away from the realworld and let me explore life safely wrapped up in the arms of my world. with each new major event in my life, someone else was born...a part of me...they got a name, a face and a personality. I grew through them instead through myself, and that is why i find myself so detached from the world. (its psycology mummble-jumbo you know?)I took the time to write out my characters (the major ones, the ones i'm closet too.) to figure out who was who, and why they appeared. so here they are. since i dont even have pics of all of them i will make a short description of them. some you might be fammiliar with, others you may never have heard of, as they were personal attachments. Here goes:

Crystal Rymes:
sex: female
age: older teenager
race: Human
physical description: about 5' 7", long brown hair, brown eyes, thin, natural beauty.
Date of creation: she's been around the longest, as she is my original character. i invented her sometime dureing my elementry school days.

~ Crystal stands for the beginning of my escape into my art and stories. She stood for who i wanted to be like; strong, kind, beautiful, strong willed. I used to have a strong connection with her but that has since diminished greatly

Diana:
sex: female
age: late twenties maybe even early thirties
race: Kobold (a wolf anthropomorphic creature, animal with human qualities)
physical description: Tall, strong build, atheletic. grey short fur all over, black curly hair, green eyes, with a few stripes in key areas of her body.
Date of creation: Diana was created along with Crystal. although originally she was a feline anthro.

~Diana stands for my motherly instinct. She is my tendency to watch over others and to care for them. I also had a strong connection with Diana. it has since diminished as well, but a part of personality is always around....

Note no one was created dureing my middle school years...

KitBash or Kittner Bashette
:sex: female
age: used to follow mine, now mid-teens
race: Feline anthro
Physical description: 5' 5", thin and lanky build, cotton pink hair,(although KitBash was suppoused to have constantly changeing hair color, to suit her moods) blue eyes.Date of creation: Freshman or Sophmore year of highschool.

~KitBash stands for my optimisim, innocence, curiosity, randomness, and over all happyness. I had a strong connection with her for a very long time. consequently, she came into creation when i met amanda and katt (and a few others) who were my first true friends...something i always seeked when i was younger. no doubt finding friendship was the wellspring of my happiness...of KitBash's never ending happiness and energy.

Gail "Gallows" Terren:
sex: maleage: late 20's when he was first created...late thirites as his story progresses
race: human (european)
Physical Description: Average heigth, grey/silver hair in a messy mid length cut, steel blue eyes, scar on right side of his face and ear.
date of creation: junior or senior year of highschool.

~Gail stands for my depression, darkside, coldness and is also the harborer of my inner pains. Gail was created after a realisation of my constant depression. i'm pretty sure it was after a break up with someone i cared for deeply. i remember spending an entire week engrossed in his story.

Luc Banner:
sex: female
age: mid teens
race: Human (irish)physical description: average hiegth, bright red head cut in a really short bob, freackles, green eyes.
date of creation: Although Luc was created back in my elementary days, she never really took on a personality till my highschool days when she became a part of Gail's story.

~Luc stands for my adventure seeking, wild side, some times crazy luck (either good or bad. hence her name.) and my use of anger as a facade to hide my true feelings. I am still pretty strongly connected to her, if so more now as i begin to gain confidence in myself and my desires for adventure counintue to emerege.

Flick Grimmace:
sex: male
age: slightly older then Luc
race: Human (part indian, part european.)
physical description: tall average build, long black hair pulled back in a pony tail, brown eyes.
date of creation: Same time as Luc.

~Flick stands for my easy going, stupidity, ignorance, clumsyness, clueless-ness and good humor. whenever i do something stupid or ignorant...i imagine Flick's goofy grin as he nervously laughs it off. Although all the bad traits, flick is actually a very pleasent and easygoing person.

Laura Banner:
sex: female
age: late 20's. deceased.
race: human (irish)
physical description: tall, wavy red hair, blue eyes, no freckles.
date of creation: Same as Gail's

~Laura stands for my grace, mysterios air and elegance. I have little connection to her, as i feel these are traits that i have but are very weak in me. she sort of the "i look up to" type person.

Sozo
sex: male
age: a little older then KitBash
race: feline anthro
physical description: slightly shorter then average heigth, white fur, blonde hair, blue eyes.
date of creation: around with KitBash but a little later.

~Sozo is the character i relate too the least. he stands for my dreams, future dreams and asperations. for some reason i have great diffculty visualizing these things, and therefore i have little connection to him. he is of gentle demenor.

Nimeaway
sex: female
age: early twenties
race: fairy/butterfly anthro
physical description: tall thin delicate build, curly reddish-orange build with gold highlights, antennas, and butterfly wings
date of creation: The first summer i was dateing corey. she was based on a pendent corey gave me, which was a goldstone shaped in the form of a butterfly.

~Nimeaway stands for the beginning of my relationship with Corey. realisation of my feelings for him as well as my new feelings of wanderlust and desire to travel. "fly" i have a weak connection with Nimeaway ever since the pendant she was based on broke.

so these are my children. i think now that i look at them i can see ties to events in my life and the way i behave and interact in response to outside stimulisis. its kind of odd really. but things seem to have a different look to them, now that i have analised them all. I feel better getting this all out in writting too. but i guess i'll end this now, cause this entry is already waaaaaaaaay to long.

Thoughs on the Recurrent Issue:

2006-02-20T15:32:00.000-08:00

I had a really crummy weekend. and i had an equally mentally exhausting conversation with corey last night. it ended alright...although it did infact end with going to bed early after takeing some asprin for the headache i gave myself. i was just sad about my ferret, sad about the weekend...and something was bothering me.

I realised that corey gets annoyed at me when i "fall into" my little bouts of depression. he says he doesnt understand how i can be fine at one point, then do one thing wrong and be upset about it for like ever. I realised that he doesnt get any closer (also i assume this is why he doesnt 'commit" any further into the realtionship) because he fears that i'll never change this...and that he may be stuck with it for the rest of our lives (if and when we comit to each other.)

I told him that i work very hard to change my attitude around, and i have noticed many differences. i'm not half as depressed as i used to be. i'm usually pretty cheery unless i'm tired, hungry (which are mostly natural for humans in general) or am on my period; in which case i am very emotional. but usually i can go through even my period with just a few incidents of sadness...and thats usually due to being uncomfortable or weak or pain.

I told him that there wasnt any point for me to countinue working as hard as i do towards my attitude if it wasnt only going to bring about the same outcome. it seems we alwasy have this argument. it alwasy occurs from different situations but deep down it really is the same issue. i told him i couldnt stand to hurt him anymore. that i try really hard, for myself and for him, because i love him. but there was no point in countinueing if we were going to have the same argument over and over again.

I also told him that theres the possiability that i may never completly change this "issue." i may never phase it out completly...as i am human and i'm not perfect. we all have our quirks, right? and i wanted him to understand this. i wanted to know if i was worth that grief...if it was worth this constant viglance on my attitude. when i asked him "is it worth it? am i worth it??" he almost imeadiatly said "yeah." this brought almost an instant smile to my face as i expected him to say "i dont know." i even thanked him for his on the spot answer. after that the conversation dwindled...i was tired, and i knew he was too...so i told him

"I'm going to let you go now."

"Ok. Drink some asprin and go to bed ok?"

"Yeah...I love you."

"I love you too."

"Good night."

"night."

Maybe i should keep track of these little break downs. i know theres one more factor that contributes to my odd mood swings, but were both aware of this...and i didnt feel it was something i needed to share. so yeah i just thought id write this down to finally get it out of my system.

I feel much better this morning, even though the stress from last night killed my stomach and i was sick pretty much all day. but work was alright. the day passed quickly...and i was told we did a job job while the bosses were out of town. (we being me and the other employee Bob) i really didnt do much today though. just go through paper work with them to verifie what needed to be billed, what needed to be done...and what was done while they were gone. i worked on one thing today...and that was it. but it was still nice.

Mom had today off so she played with Frenchie, my last remaining ferret...as i fear he will get lonely...so i want to play with him more often. i was hopeing him and Kalee would get along, so that i could just let the two of them out while i was home...but yesterday frenchie tried to "play" with kalee, and grabbed ahold of her cheek and whiskers. needless to say she freaked out and was not happy. i guess i'll have to think of something else. I'll miss my little nipper. :(

oh well i guess thats everything i have to say today.

Update on my life...

2006-02-20T15:26:00.001-08:00

for anyone who actually reads this. (can only think of like 2 or 3 people)

I have a job now! I work as a type-setter/graphic designer at a small trophy shop in town. work is good and i like it.

still seeing corey, with little complications. work has added a little extra challenge...but its alright. (though we did have one of our quirky weekends.)

still going to church and choir practice. nothing new there really.

took this semester off to find work. and i did, so i need to go back on one of my days off and figure out if i'll be takeing anything over the summer. summer classes are harder ;_; cause they are waaay shorter then normal classes.

My kitten Kalee is doing fine.

My ferret Nipper passed away yesterday...i now only have one ferret.

My car still lives...thank god.

umm i cant think of anything else. read my lj if you really want a day to day update. just go to Http://www.livejournal.com
and search for Kittywolf13

Yup thats my current life in a nutshell. :)

MANGA FOR SALE!!!

2006-02-20T15:26:00.000-08:00

I decided to sell some of the manga i have that i really dont read any more or didnt enjoy too much when i bought them. so i decided to offer them up here first:

MARS: volume's 1, 2, 3 and 10

I.N.V.U. volume 1

Real Bout High School volume 3

Dragon Knights Volume 1, 2, 3, and 4

i'm asking for six dollars a piece. (if you really want something then we can discuss it through notes or e-mail) i dont have pay pal so it would be through either check or money order. Shipping and handling will be according to how many you purchase.

If you have any questions, note me or e-mail me at:

Kittywolf13@yahoo.com

please put in the subject line "Manga's for Sale" or something along those lines so i dont delete it as spam.

Thanks for takeing a look! :)

Oh Joy:

2006-02-02T15:14:00.000-08:00

I just got home like an hour ago from work. it feels weird getting up and comeing home from work, but i'm finally getting used to it. it isnt so bad any more. Today was a hella busy day though. the county fair is in town starting saturday or friday...dunno...and so our trophy shop is the one doing the trophies. so after doing a few plaques and lables this morning, and after lunch i came back and did 5 straight hours of trophy labels for the fair. no kidding. 5 straight hours. like OMG! i was so stressed and tired by the time 5 rolled around. i was kind of glad to be busy though...time flew a little faster...but damn. i am so ready to be over with that job. but i wont know untill tommorow if were actually done with the fair stuff. O_o;

In other news...there isnt any really. i had choir practice yesterday but that was about it. i at least got to spend a few hours with corey on his day off. of which the last half and hour or so was spent just cuddling quietly in the dark. i just really needed hugs and peace and quiet...just for a little bit. It was so nice.

In better news i get paid tommorow! :D yaaaaay, not sure how much exactly...bad me for not asking, but i'm going to guess its around 8 bucks and hour, which totals out to about 250 or so. which is not bad. so yeah thats good. :)

i believe thats everything. i've been waaaay too busy for anything else lately. so later aligator!

O_O;

2006-01-24T14:04:00.000-08:00

Holy cow this week has been crazy. and its only tuesday. lets see, i've gone through 2 wireless mice...they all acted really funny, but in different ways. i just bought a Microsoft wireless laser 6000, and it seems to be working fine. we'll see how long that lasts. so far its working good. and so is my computer for the most part. O_<

It has a few issues like not shutting down occasionally, and it keeps telling me the cpu fan is running too slow. i'll have to tinker with that soonish i supouse. Other then that it seems to be running fine. still a bunch of stuff i need to install, like adobe photoshop and a few other programs. right now i mainly have games downloaded and installed for testing purposes. :)

Speaking of which, I bought a pc game yesterday called "The Longest Journey" i'm only on chapter 2 of the game but so far its pretty interesting. its older so the graphics are so so, but the story seems interesting, and its completly narrated. the main character is an artist too! :D the game was only 6 bucks so i figured why the hell not? i actually like it. its like myst and tomb raider combined. lol.

anywho, not much else to report. job fell through apperantly...and so i need to start looking again. oh joy.

i guess thats everything. so later peeps.

2006-01-18T19:05:00.000-08:00

Not much to say, Velsper is at 75% completion...upon closer thought about what i posted about it yesterday, it was a much higher rate. Because all the hardware in the computer is finished (save for the media drive which is on the way.) and we just need to download drivers, programs and a few other things...then i'm ghosting the damn thing...and then I'll be good for buisness. I'm excited, its about time i have a GOOD computer, and not a hand-me-down, that just barely scrapes by as "Use-able." Although HellSpawn will not be destroyed or removed from my presence. it has served me well for many years and hence will "Old reliable" for all those times things fail and i need a quick fix. :) it shall be all good.

Bad news...i woke up this morning with another tooth ache. Icky icky ick!!! I dont want to deal with that pain again, so depending on how i feel tommorow...its back to the dentist with me. *shivers* i disliked the first time, although it wasnt too bad, of course it would have been better provided i wasnt so sore i had a hard time opening my mouth. :/

Spent the day with Corey. :) twas nice, it was a nice day out to boot. We went shopping and stuff. i picked up a truck load of HTML books at a goodwill...so that shall be interesting, as well as a new pack/bag. I couldnt resist it, it was neat. i shall have to spiffy it up a little more and personalise it.

I had choir practice today as well. which was a first in a while. Corey was tired and grumpy, but i'm a little tired myself. i should try and go to bed early today.

hmmm what else? i dont know what else really...so i guess thats it for now.

Blah:

2006-01-15T20:14:00.000-08:00

Well lets see. I havent written much but there isnt much to write about. apperantly that job was a flop. its been a week and no phone call. :( i got almost all my computer parts in and the computer is about 45% done. Corey and i have been working on it in whatever spare time he has. I now know how to put a computer together...i could probably use more practice though. :/

Went to miami today to visit the grandparents...other then that there isnt much to report i think...i really cant think of anything, nope...so i guess thats everything. later.

Just Something:

2006-01-09T19:41:00.000-08:00

Cool Links:
Http://www.bookcrossing.com

Http://www.geocaching.com

Just some stuff i would like to get into. :3

Anywho, got up late so by the time i took a shower, got dressed, had lunch and made it to the medical office...the person i had to turn my resume into had already left. left a copy of it, and i decided i'm going to go back tommorow again. Corey says it show's inciative if i go back again. heres hopeing it wont back fire on me.
Other then that i havent done much today. Waiting for my computer parts to come in. Went out with Candice for a bit...other then that i havent done much. maybe i'll clean up my computer desk when i'm done with this entry.

There isnt much else to say...just felt like writting a little entry.

:)

Yaaaarrrr!:

2005-12-29T19:15:00.000-08:00

I still live...i just havent been online much because my computer has a problem with freezing about 10-15 minutes after booting up, the "guest" computer or the one corey use's has a small virus that causes a billion internet explorer windows to pop up till it crashes the computer. Which i've dealt with before, but i neither know where or if that computer has anti-virus on it...so i chose to just leave it there till corey can take care of it...and my brothers "do-everything" computer died or something...the power switch or the power supply, or possiably the mother board is keeping it from running...so i've been checking my mail at other peoples houses and thats about it.

right now i'm useing my bro's gameing machine, which he really doesnt like to use to surf, but he's playing with his new tv, so i decided to come on and check somethings and tell people that i still live!!!! dunno if anyone still reads this...maybe.

So lets see. Christmas has come and gone. I really didnt get much, but i've gotten a few things i wanted. My parents gave me money for my new computer i'm planning on building in the very near future! so that was good. chris gave me a gift certificate to suncoast, so i purchased manga. :3 (i also discovered the book store in the mall is closeing so i bought a couple of other manga's half off.) I got some makeup from my cousin, which was odd cause i was thinking i could use some new makeup, and funnily enough its even in a shade i like. weird. i bought myself the ds and animal crossing for it. Jon got my Nintendogs for the ds, not the version i wanted but close enough. :P its really adorable and fun but slightly annoying cause it has voice recognition for the puppy's names and stuff...so it makes me feel silly speaking to an imaginary puppy. lol. got some candles...and hmm there might be more but i dont remember at the moment...more money, all of which is going towards my computer fund...and then corey gave me a gamecube game which has a bunch of the original sonic games on it, and then he is fronting the rest of the cost of my new computer for me. Isnt that sweet of him!! <3 so were going to build it together!!! <3 I'll finally learn how to build a computer from scratch. :P

Umm been hanging out alot with brian, and chris and corey...which is alwasy fun. We've been watching Firefly which is alright. i expected something a little better from all the talk i hear of it...but it isnt bad either. :3 its been nice watching it and stuff. and now brian has me hooked on a tabletop strategy game called Pirates of the Spanish Main or something to that extent...were you build tiny ships, and sail around looking for gold and fighting each other. its really fun, once you get the hang of it...so now i have little ships because i went out and bought myself a little starter pack type thing. :3

Must get togther with brain so we can play another game, cause i didnt get far in the last game cause i had to leave cause it was getting late. :/ oh well.

So i guess thats all for now. :3

Call me Scrouge

2005-12-20T19:08:00.000-08:00

or however the name of that "bah-hummbug" guy is.

I'm depressed. big whoopty doo. like that doesnt happen every time i turn the corner...usually it happens on my period. but not this time. I feel lousy.

Its less then a week before christmas. how do i feel? depressed. theres no joy in the season, no happiness, nothing. Just worry over grandpa's "condition" and whether or not he will be home for christmas at all.
Theres no money and really no gifts, not thats important or anything. The gifts that are there are from me to other people. i'm trying to make myself feel better by hopefully makeing other peoples christmas's brighter. Really i'm aiming that thought towards one person. For once it isnt corey and i wont say who it is. I'll just see if i'm successful or not at my goal. maybe then i will be able to feel more festive about the season. maybe, i dounbt it.

its going to be the same fake christmas, fakeing that we like certain faimly...and enjoying the few we do. or trying anyways. i dont know when grandpa will be home...so who knows if we'll see him on christmas eve. dont know if dad works christmas eve...so if grandpa is still in the hospitol and dad does work, theres no way we can drive all the way to Coral Gables and back to the party in time. i dont know whats going to happen.

I feel worthless again. i cant work, or rather no one will hire...i'm lazy and refuse to do anything anymore. i want to just get up and travel. i want out of here. i want to explore and see the country. I almost feel like takeing up chris's offer of leaveing for a month with him and traveling around with him while he works. but i dont feel comfortable with that. besides it would never fly with my folks anyways. but it sucks.

i want to do a billion different things, and i wont be able to do a single thing. i cant even spend a weekend with my boyfriend camping if i wanted too. its too restricting. i feel trapped.

also i feel if i have to wait till i get married to do what i please and to finally be freed from my parents do's and dont's...and to get corey to do anything remotely spontanious...then i dont want to get married. i think i will just work my butt off and just move out.

I will become a hermit. why? because i'm tired of waiting for everyone.

After christmas i'm getting a job. i dont care how lame. anything. no being nit picky. (we all know that wont happen.) and we'll see what happens. i'll horde my money. really horde it...and maybe by next year i'll go on a road trip or something...probably by my fricken self. >_<

Corey is annoying me just as i had predicted. Brian's home and no fault of his own, its the only thing corey thinks about. I havent had a decent conversation with him for almost a week now. i call him and he's either A.) Too tired to speak, B.) got his nose in a book/magazine...or as i called him earlier...waiting for a phone call from brian. i'm not mad at you brian, so dont get the wrong idea.

I know corey has wensday and thursday off. but guess what? i'm not going to bother trying to get together with him. why? because he'll be too busy trying to get together with brian and spending all his time he can...that theres no point. i'll only be ignored by my own boyfriend. its really really annoying. So guess what i'm takeing brian's advise...to cling loosely...or in this case not at all. No matter how many times i cry myself to sleep at night. i'll let him do whatever the hell he wants, whenever he wants, how ever he wants. in fact if he doesnt bother planning anything for his birthday friday, then i wont even bother with that. i mean why should i?

He has shown no concern towards me and my feelings towards the whole thing with grandpa. nothing. other then asking everyonce in a blue moon (and usually inciated by me saying "spoke to grandpa...") if hes alright.
blah i hate it. i hate it all. forget it. if this is what i have to look forward to in the next few years...in marriage or whatever...i dont want it. i'm not getting married. bleh. Corey is definatly the secure and comfortable guy type to marry and live your life. but there is no excitment or sponautity (sp?)

I'll stay at home, play with my kitten, go shopping and try to go out with my "girlfriends" (whom all work and doing anything with any of them is much harder these days) and just try to ignore my pathetic pain and excuse of an exsistance.

Oh and chris's party the other day was swell. it was fun being surrounded by people i either do like or dont know...but then he had to go and show us a movie of a very very bad day for me. ooooh the memories. grrrrr. piss off world. very few people have any consideration for me or my feelings. i give up completly.

I miss katt and all the times we would just get together for no reason, and do shit for no reason. like drive down I-75 at 115 mph. or go to the mall for no reason...do crazy shit or just sit around. i miss the spontanious events that she seemed to create. i miss it all.

I get none of that anymore...none.

i wish i could just vanish and stop bothering everyone. cause all i am is a horriably jealous moocher, who cant do anything right, and is completly selfish, and cant fix her own brain. i want to go away. far far away.

so unless you want something or actually wish to invite me, dont expect to see me any time soon. Oh and i ran into virginia the other day....made me feel even more lowely and pathetic then usual. yup.

i think i'm done bitching for now. well not really but i'm going to stop writing to save people's eye-balls from burning, and there brains from melting.

Bah Hummbug!!!!!!

2005-12-19T20:09:00.000-08:00

Let it be known that the world is lucky today...that i wasnt on my period, because if i was, I would have killed someone (or i think i would have been shot) at some point today.

Let it also be known that i thought people in Naples were bad drivers...But after today's display of near death almost-collsions, and really badly navigated streets that Miami has to offer...i'm glad i live in Naples.

Now that, thats been settled...onto the well the crap load of other shit from today. Bare with me folks i'm venting. (in a positive manor...sort of) I got up this morning at 8:30 in the morning. not too early, but i went to bed at 2:30 in the morning like the dumbass i am. So okay, i'm tired and cranky, big whoop...i've done worse. Kalee my lovely kitten is super hyper, knawing on every finger and toe she can get too...and finally proceeds to pull my beds mesh canopy out of the ceiling. Now i'm angry, get up and dressed and all that stuff, and finish up whatever and let her run around the house before i have to leave.

Dad gets home from buying an old piece of antique furniture for my mom. Christmas present i supouse. its over 100 years old, because we found a ticket stub inside that states the date of 1904! and then we pack up the Surburben and head off over yonder I-75. I drive the entire way of alligator alley. which was fine with me. i needed the time to not pay attention to being angry at kalee. At which point we change drivers at a rest stop, cause dad doesnt want me driveing in Miami. Good thing.

We stop at a burger king to have lunch and then spend 10 minutes blocking an intersection, because its so backed up with tractor trailors and other idiots cutting each other off, that it was jump and hope to make it through or wait for another half an hour. We barely made it through that...to find that the highway is down to one lane. this cant be good...but we go through a side road, barely not scrape another idiot..and get to the highway. We're given wrong derictions, almost get side swiped a few more times, and finally some how we make it to the hospitol Grandpa is at.We drive around the hospitol about 4 times, avoiding idiots the entire time. here is no parking properly labeled anywhere. Even though they have a six story parking garage.

Finally we find a metered spot and manage to park. then we go into the lobby. no one there to tell us where to go. Dad remebers hes on the third floor and we go there...wrong wing...finally we find him and things settle down. My uncle, his new gf and my grandma leave to go get lunch and me dad and my bro stay behind looking after grandpa.He seems well...for the most part. His scar from surgery looked well healed for only haveing been a week and a half since it happened. But he himself looks angry and annoyed. we come to find out that the procedure he had done to today was done by a assistant (not a doctor), they fed him breakfast so they could fully put him under, and the local anesthitic really had little effect on him. so it hurt alot apperantly...i can only imagine. they've also took too many blood samples to count. and well they were just lousy.Ok so we he takes some medicine and hes just drowsy, and we wait for like ever for my uncle to come back from lunch so we can leave and not get caught in rush hour traffic home...but he took his sweet time, and we got caught anyways in traffic.

lots more idiots, nearly running into us. includeing a lady driveing an excursion who was on the phone, chatting with her passenger and not even looking at the street while she made a far to wide right turn into a busy traffic...we almost had to come to a complete stop to avoid from running into her. We pondered about throwing eggs at her since the horn in the suburban doesnt work..and figured we would get shot in the process. Once we clear the highway its pretty much clear sailing till we make it home...were we stop to pick up dinner, and the stupid cashier gets our order wrong at least 5 times. no matter how we corrected her, both in english and spanish (in case she doesnt understand one or the other...which apperantly she didnt understand either.) i'm home finally...and terrorizeing Kalee...well and typeing.Blah that was alot of bitching..i feel a little better and glad this crazy day is almost over. now to see if i can finish christmas shopping and doing whatever else comes my way this week...before christmas. ugh. i'll be glad when its over, cause this has to be one of the crummiest christmas's ever.

Blah!!

laughs

2005-12-13T19:05:00.000-08:00

i just spent an hour watching Supernatural with Corey and then like another hour outside laughing our silly little heads off. It was so much fun and just what i needed to brighten up my dull day. besides that i went to the bank, and played animal crossing all day...and of course with Kalee!

If being silly together is any indication of how well a relationship will hold up then i have nothing to worry about. :)

Its nice to know my brain hasnt tripped out on me. or maybe i've just stayed busy. Hmmmm there are still a few things i need to buy for christmas. Ugh i hate this time of year sometimes. were pressed for cash so there wont be much of anything...but thats alright. i just want to at least make a list of parts for my new computer and i'll be happy.

I've been very lucky these past few months. i should be very happy, and i guess i am. lifes been good to me. but i think i splurged too much on myself. ^_^; doesnt leave much for christmas..lol...guess i gave myself an early christmas present.

The weathers been so beautiful out. i really wish we could go canoeing or kayaking again. its been over a year since we last went. longer for me. :/ i love this weather, it makes me happy and lighthearted. Unfortunatly i do alot of daydreaming and it fills my head with alot of silly thoughts...well not silly...just thoughts that arnt happening any time soon.

ah but i guess dreams are good.

now if only i could settle into a job and id be good. :) then things would be good....

Well well well:

2005-12-11T18:35:00.000-08:00

This has been one interesting week. For one i've been all over the place. And two Corey spent the entire week with me. well not entirely but close enough. Which surprised me. Everytime he had to go somewhere he asked me if i wanted to come with him. I of course, haveing only a kitten to take care of, was very happy to ablige...however thats spelled. Friday was a little on the dull side because we didnt go anywhere except his storage unit to get some stuff for the car show and then he went home early.

Saturday was the car show. and besides haveing to get up early, and a few slightly uncomfortable accomedations...it was a blast!!! I was the photographer. :) I took pictures of every single car there. :) (i think, it was hard to tell towards the end.) There were sooo many beautiful cars there!! It was a pleasure to be out there and working up a sweat with the "boys" literally. If anyone who reads this is a car nut then they'd understand how i felt running around, takeing pictures...and basically just being around these machines all day long!! It was great.

Today corey and i were going to go kayaking. We got up early (again) went to church...hung about there before and after...and then decided not too. Corey's comeing down with something, and it was cool that mixed with water...just wasnt a good combination. So instead we went to China Tokoyo for lunch...sat in the parking lot for an hour, doodling nonsense on a notepad, then we both went home to change. he should up a bit later with animal crossing and his memory card and we played with that and the ds. then we just sat around the computer room for a bit. :) had pizza and then he had to leave cause he has to get up early tommorow.
So now i have to re-adjust to life without corey again. well life without corey every day. :) I'll get used to it...just saddens me and that things will get boreing again.
But damn it! It was soo beauitful out today. i really wanted to go kayaking. oh well...another day...another day.

i'll post pics sooner or later of the show. so i guess this is it till later...i'm exhausted.

Ooooh I want!:

2005-11-23T19:58:00.000-08:00

So i got up this morning, skipped class cause my profesor told me that if i had finished my project i didnt have to come back till the final, and so i went out with amanda. I went back to the mall and bought a few more things. :3 and then we headed back to amanda's apartment cause she wasnt feeling well. I was gonna have her teach me how to knit. i want to learn, and make a scarf for grandma. and umm, mom interupted and called me. She asked me if i was going to be home any time soon. i was like i can be, why? and she's like i brought home a kitten! and she needed me to find a place for him/her (we dont know what it is.) so i called around a few places and then went hom. Can you believe that all the non-kill shelters in town are full! especially on kittens. I want to use domestic animal services as a last resort, cause they do uthenize animals, and this little trouble maker is waaaaaaaay too cute to be put down.

This little trouble maker! :3

OMG! He is soooo adorable! i want him. i want him i want him. damn it. Dad's like no, julio's like no, and mom is just like well hes really cute, but id rather find him a better home. but if push comes to shove he can live with Morris. maybe. but i want him. he's adorable and he totally melted my heart. which i told amanda that me baby sitting the little guy is going to break my heart. Of course at the moment, Candice is baby sitting him, because i wont be at home at all tommorow and i wasnt going to leave him home alone.

So i come home to find this scraggly but plump little grey tabby running around my game room. my brothers relieved cause he can hand the kitten over to me and get to his game. stupid brother. so i sit down with the kitten, the phone and a phone book...and call like every pet store in town...just to find out whos takeing and whos not. no one except domestic animal service or the pound is accepting kittens. :( i dont want to take him there. so i called candice to ask her opnion and she told me that they usually ship the kittens around if there not adopted here in this county because they have a high adoptabilty rate. she then told me that she would watch the kitten for me, because i wouldnt have time to go to the pound and fill out paper work and yadda yadda. so i took the kitten over there.

Of course by this time, the kitten had already, slept in my lap, been fed chicken from my lunch (he loves chiken!) played on the couch and with me, ridden in the car with me, and hugged multiple times by me. I know Candice will take good care of him. but i went to class thinking about the bugger, and then came home...and then went to choir practice and showed corey the pic of the kitten, and hes like "I want it!" and so was erin and their mom surprisingly enough. and now i miss him. lol i want the kitten damn it. >_>

Umm i'm going to miami tommorow for thanksgiveing, so i probably wont be home, and definatly wont be online probably. so yeah not here.

Grandpa's scheduled for surgery on the 7th of december. :( say a prayer?

umm and i guess thats everything. Later folks and have a Happy Thanksgiveing!!!!!!!!!

Ugh:

2005-11-20T20:48:00.000-08:00

Ok i just need something to do with my life right now. i'm burnt out on school, and sick and tired of being at home with my brother. it was fine and dandy that he was home in the evenings and i had the day time to do whatever in the computer room with little to no interuption...but know hes always in here. and it drives me nuts!! >_< ok, it took me an hour or longer to watch one 30 minute episode of Supernatural (i think thats what its called.) and even then i really didnt get to listen to half of it, cause he kept talking to his little geek friends over teamspeak, and i would turn up the volume and he'd just talk louder....kind of like my godmother when we turn up the tv, because shes rammbling and then she just talks louder. O.o; wth?

So lets see. Apperantly i am doing something for Thanksgiveing. were going down to Lauderdale as usual. oh joy. another boreing evening twiddling my thumbs. dealing with that annoying faimlies dog who seems to pee on everything every 2 minutes. ugh. boreing. sometimes i wonder why we even bother...we dont even say a prayer together. :/ Maybe Corey will come with me this year, since he says he doesnt want to spend the day were his folks are going, because their going over to a friends of the faimly who have two daughters the same age as his sister...and thats it. he's like going to be bored all day. I would love it if he came with me. i mean i never see him on the holidays cause i tend to keep it very faimly orientated, i invite with all knowledge of not seeing him. but id really really love to be able to spend a holiday with him.

Grandpa has a doc appointment wensday. so unless the doctor deems it an emergency he probably wont have his surgery untill next week. i dont know if its a good thing or not. but it certainly makes things less complicated for me.

Hmmm...i have choir practice again this wensday, but its supoused to be a short one, so i may skip it. i'm in no mood to drive half across town for a half hour of practice. Bleh! then theres a long ass practice on saturday and then the concert is on sunday, so naturally i'll be there forever on that day too. :(

I need to finish my stupid report. tommorow or tuesday i must finish it, cause i refuse to work on it any other day...unless push comes to shove i do it on friday but bleh again on that.

But i need a job. i need out. i'm so damn stressed over the monotny of my daily life. everything and everyone around me annoys me. and it doesnt help that i havent been sleeping well lately. ugh, i've been so tired and cranky today. i feel sorry for corey.

ah corey...he came over yesterday after work and we sat around reading funny qoutes for like ever. and he came over again today. and he kept teasing me and tickling me while i was trying to take a nap. but i cant get mad at him for being playful, even if it was annoying. i just ended up tickling him back. i mean i shouldnt nap anyways because then i wont sleep, right? lol. oh well. i love him. i really do. i wish i could take a short vacation with him. i just want to curl up next to him, and sleep and not be disturbed. just some where quiet...where nothing annoying can bother us. ah...i would love to be able to do that. i really abhore the thought of haveing to get married to do anything remotly close to even spending a weekend together...sheesh... oh well. no point in depressing myself. i'm doing decent now that my hormones have calmed down. i'm still stressed and worried though. Holding on loosely to corey so no one gets mad...but i really really dont want to let go of him any more...i just need another outlet...like work. ugh. hire me already damn it. yeah. i love my boy, hes so patient with me and everything. leave the entry with a good note...yup good note...love love love.

rammbling now, i'll end it here.

Not Much:

2005-11-19T19:34:00.000-08:00

Theres not much to say. the end of the week came and went. Corey came over and we went to Best Buy to look at the new Big & Rich cd...then we went to fridays for dinner. yummy jack daniels menu! *purrrs* If jack Daniels really taste like the sauce they put on their food...i'm in trouble XD anywho, after that we went to Barnes and Nobles, cause corey wanted to listen to the new cd before decideing if he wanted to buy it. i was all hyper before but when i got there i was drowsy as all hell.

We meandered around before we were kicked out at closeing time, and we headed home. we just spent some time chatting and cuddling and stuff. which was really nice and something i needed. and i started crying...i'm such a cry baby. i'm just worried about next week. worried about grandpa. something is disturbing my brain cause i'm in one of those "I dont sleep very well even if i do sleep" cycles. its very annoying. cause i was exhausted last night, as in its a miracle i made it to bed, and i left one of my contacts outside over night. opps. but i was still up at 8:30 and i just couldnt go back to sleep no matter how hard i tried. Couldnt even dose off. :( It really sucks.

Still i'm in a better mood then last week...just with a tired and worried feelings underlineing that happier feeling. bleh. went out today and picked up candice. and her brother. :) we had fun doing next to nothing. :P we went to the community center to pick up a beach pass for corey. and then we went to wal*mart cause candice got a job there again. so she went to buy shoes. and we walked around and stuff, then we came here and just sat around and chatted. that was the extent of that. took her home and now i'm here.

I kind of want to do something different this year for thanksgiveing. like i want to get together all of my friends and have a small party. :( but i dont even know what were doing, seeing as grandpa is supoused to have his operation sometime this week. so i dont know whats going on. Corey isnt looking forward to his thanksgiving plans either...i wish i could do something...but i dont know what. i dont know where i'll be and whether i'll even be here. its a pain. oh well.

i guess thats everything.

:(

2005-11-17T10:59:00.000-08:00

I want this week to be over with. I've been so emotionally un-stable it isnt even funny. There are people around me haveing far worse of a time then me, and yet i'm still walking around in this cloud of gloom. Yesterday i spent most of the day with Amanda, which was really nice. I had class in the morning and then i met up with amanda after lunch. we went to tj max, and to a consignment shop and then to the mall. i have to start thinking about christmas shopping! Oh no...i dont want to think about it. i still have no job and no money. boo. then we just hung out around here till i had to leave to school. class was actually a little more interesting then it normally is.

i left early..well intended on it...cause i had choir practice and that concert is quickly creeping up. it has me stressed out for some reason. so much practice...and i dont think i'm up to par with everyone else. I was able to see corey which was much needed, but it was scatterbrained and well wasnt what i needed. i cant wait till friday. one more day. -_- so i drove home, alone...got home around 10! ugh loooong night, ate dinner, and watched tv till about midnight. cause well i wasnt tired and wasnt feeling all too happy.

My parents had left to miami, my grandfather was supoused to have an opperation this morning. he was supoused to have one of his major arteries cleared...turns out they cant, and scheduled him for a triple by-pass next week. i dont like the sound of that. so much for thanksgiveing. I may even have to quit the concert at the very last minute, which will suck. but faimly's more important. :(

i just stayed up laying in bed crying. thinking of silly little things. my brain was wondering all over the place. i finally fell asleep. got up this morning, and havent done much just dishes and fed the fish and ferrets. nothing else has happend. i want to go out but theres no were else for me to go. maybe i'll do homework.

i dont want to be here....

Why?

2005-11-15T23:07:00.000-08:00

"i want to see myself through someone elses eyes"

am i even interesting in my plainess then?

why? i've asked this a billion times...but i dont understand how anyone can find me all that interesting. i want to see myself through someone elses eyes... what keeps someone near? if i'm not mystefing or anything of the like that, then why?

I dont get it at all. i want to see what it is that keeps someone close to me. what keeps the one i love from leaveing. after 3 years he's still around...and the thought bewilders me. i can be so obnoxious, yet there he is.

when i was young i dreamed of marriage like every little girl, yet deep down inside i had a harsh sarcastic thought that alwasy stepped on top of those dreams. i alwasy thought that no one would want me. no one would put up with me. how would i ever find someone who would care enough to marry me? so being in a relationship for so long still bewilders me.

how about my friends. there are some people in my life that i've known for more then 5 years now. why are they still around? how do they stand me? what do i offer them?

I dont get it. i wish i knew...wish i could see from their point of view why...

.....i'm in a really weird mood.....i'm sorry.

I live:

2005-11-15T18:02:00.000-08:00

Alright. i went to bed right after my last journal entry. my migraine took a turn for the worse and was makeing me sick to my stomach. as in i couldnt even eat dinner. i'm surprised the pills i took for my headache didnt upset my stomach since there was hardly anything in there. i holed myself up in my bedroom, since 8pm. i just sat untill my tummy ache passed and then i just lay there. i didnt much cause my head hurt really bad and i wasnt really going to sleep either cause it was early. finally after an hour of just dozing, corey called me. which was really nice. that gave me time to talk, be comforted and be distracted from my pounding headache. we talked just simple idle stuff, but it was nice and it made me feel better. he made me laugh a few times too, which was really nice. i even was hungry by the time i was about to hang up. corey told me to eat something, but i opted to just go hungry and go to sleep instead.

I fell asleep easily after that, and slept till about 9 in the morning. but i stayed in bed dozing off and on till noon. lazy me. got up went in the shower. then i had lunch cause by then i was starving!! and after that i sat around chatting with amanda about my paper i have to write. then she had to go to work so i sat down and GASP worked on my paper some. my brain isnt all here so i'm sure what i wrote is a bit scatter brained and finding reference's for it is also very diffcult. but its alright, cause now i have some of it written. :)

i feel weak today...side effect from my period. so that too has made me sluggish and just sort of aloof. so nothing really exciting today. just hanging about studying and resting...thats all.

Nyar

2005-11-14T12:48:00.000-08:00

Just felt like writting again. I'm over at amanda's apartment, cause i didnt feel like staying at home. I guess i'm still kind of over reacting about the whole "julio quit his job" thing. I just cant help but feel that things will get horriably hectic around my place soon. Maybe i'll be lucky and it wont...but i still feel like it will. so i havent been a very happy camper around my place lately.

so i came over to amanda's to have lunch and do some homework...instead i played Shadow of the Colossous. Ohh i'm getting so easily distracted this week. -_- can i blame that on my period too? I've got a bit of a migraine as well. but i have to do this stupid assignment cause come next week i'll be very busy with this choir concert. its the sunday after thanksgiving. but theres practice after thanksgiving service, practice saturday...and i'm sure we'll be comeing in early sunday. its going to be really hectic, and the paper is due that following monday. so theres no time for last minute papers. ugh i really hate doing papers like these. i think i really hate college. especially this semester where i'm practically alone anyways...cause everyone goes to class on different days then i do.

ugh...i dunno life has just been very dull for me here of lately. My mind is just not with me lately. i'm completly out of it. i want a big change...meh. haha and we all know that if i sit here long enough i'll start daydreaming about marriage. as much as i would love that to happen...it cant. not now anyways. i dont think either of us are really ready in one way or another. oh well...its the story of my life really. mmm...i'm gonna book it before i start rammbling even more and bore the crap out of anyone who might be reading this. i just wanted to write thats all.

Just more on my emotional problems

2005-11-13T22:24:00.000-08:00

Well i talked to Corey. I explained everything to him. as expected he was more then understanding. he simply added that i should try and control my emotions better. which i told him i had a really good grip on them a while back. i dont know what happened. it makes me wonder...am i trying hard enough? i just dont get it. why do i alwasy seem to revert back? or is this for once something against my control? some sort of hormonal imbalance?

It wouldnt be too far fetched if my brain had some sort of imbalance. my brother had a serious case of ADD when he was young, which has left him mentally scared. I however grew up seemingly normal, so i wasnt given the same attention as he was. Ok i was given attention but i guess not the type of attention i now feel i needed back then. My parents try really hard but sometimes i think they lack the right "stuff" when it comes to their parenting techniques. its strange thinking like that. there the kindest people on the face of the planet and would do anything for us, but at the same time, their so busy doing anything for us, that they missed out on the little bits of attention that make the world for a young person. So while my brother's mind was mentally altered by a condition...i think mine was mentally altered by circumstances...weird.

but to think you have a problem is to automatically gurantee there is one. by that i mean if you think you have a problem, even when you dont, you brain will eventually believe and make it a reality. so i dont want to think like that. yet i'm still confused. why are my emotions so haywire now a days? i wish things would balance out for once. I'm just glad that people around me are very patient...or i would have really gone nuts long ago.

i think i should go to bed...i was intending on doing homework today...but it never happened. yes sleep sounds good...even though its early for me to go to sleep...but i'm really worn out, so later blogger.

Ok:

2005-11-13T17:47:00.000-08:00

Alrighty i officially hate my periods. I spent a good chunk of time the other day reading old journal entries from 2002/03 (i was actually looking for when i started working at perkins and quite for an application.) and i realised i was really depressed back then. almost every entry i made had a sad or angry smily next to it. i was alwasy whineing about one thing or another, and complaining about one person or another. once in a blue moon there was a happy entry. usually about corey (big surprise right? :) ) As i read on and on i noticed a pattern: I was alwasy depressed with one or two days out of a month were i was happy. as the months passed, it became i was alwasy depressed with one or two weeks out of the month were i'm happy. now a days i've pretty much flipped it completly around were i'm HAPPY most of the month, and depressed one or two days/weeks out of a month. When i realised this i felt kind of proud of myself. cause i am acheiveing one thing i was striveing for. to make myself better.

BUT

There's still that one or two days/weeks (its random sometimes its just a day or a really bad week) were i'm totally depressed and angry. and i made the connection that its almost alwasy due to my period. my period combined with whatever stress and bad things have happened through out the entire month. So naturally my mood swings are a bit more intense because of everything decideing to "let go" when i'm on my period causeing me to breakdown in a more intense fashion. but i've noticed here of late that every month that passes, my period causes my mood swings to be more and more intense. and lately its gotten bad. for instance...two fridays ago i went out with corey, i had gotten all dressed up and everything, and he got out of work late and was really tired. so i ended up just re-getting dressed in something casual and just going for ice-cream. when we got back to my place all intimate time was spent by me pleaseing him. Which is fine, he works hard at work, and usually most of the time, works hard at makeing me happy and pleaseing me. So its only natural that i should work on pleasing him more often. so this past week, he was running the store practically and when friday rolled around he was really tired. we HAD to go shopping cause he had a wedding to attend today Sunday. so after that we grabbed some dinner, and then went to the beach. my mood was dropping steadily. I assumed it was because of my period being near (assuming it didnt decide to skip a week like it sometimes does.) we sat for a long time and Corey just laid his head in my lap. for some reason i felt like crying. the idea of havein a chaotic household, were everyones argueing with each other just like i remembered happening a few years back wasnt at all settling well in my mind.

But i tried to hold the tears back (i know i shouldnt, but this time i felt i didnt want to bother corey) and it just got worse and worse. and finally i just walked away. i walked towards the surf thinking "I just want to walk into the ocean and never come back." He knew something was wrong, cause i was doing a bad job fighting my tears, sniffling occasionally. He held me for a really long time. he walked off for a moment and came back and put a shell in my hand. it was a really smooth shell, told me to use it like a worry stone. put all my worries into it and then when i was finished to throw it in the ocean were it would take all my worries with it. So i did, i rubbed it for awhile and corey just kept on holding me. i felt better after awhile, and then i did as he told me and tossed the shell. I felt better and we went off on our way. we got back to my place and i was feeling..well...flirty for lack of a better term. we played around for a bit, but he was tired and decided to go home. again i understood completly, and let him go. but i admit i was feeling disappointed.

So saturday rolls around, and he comes over around 4-ish...and we go out together to do some errands because he needed a card for the wedding, so we ran around, returned home, sat around and watched a movie...we had dinner as well. but yeah when he had to leave, i wanted to play around again. but he just wanted to go home...this upset me, so i guess i was simply being selfish. i didnt want him to go. we stood by the car for a bit.

"Why do you have to go?" I asked leaning on his shoulder.

"Because i dont live here!" He said in an angry and impatient tone..."Because i dont live here. i have to go to my home." he corrected his tone.

"Of course you have to go. you alwasy have to go when i want you around!"

I got angry turned, shut his door harshly and punched a tree really hard as i walked by. he tore out the driveway and i just sat crying. i got really depressed. i sat out in the cold for a long while. almost expecting him to come back. he never did. he was too tired to deal with my selfishness....i went back inside, and sat in my room for the longest time, crying. i toyed around with a knife for the longest time, stareing at it and thinking about the possibilities. i threw it back where it came from and just curled up in bed and cried myself to sleep.

I got up this morning and i felt really sick...turns out i was right and i was on my period. i was still upset this morning, as i got in the shower and everything. still crying but i was thinking. None of it was his fault at all. he worked his ass off this past week and i know it. i was just being selfish, and horriably moody...and i guess slightly suicidal over something so stupid. i apologised this morning to him after service. after sitting in silence for almost the entire morning. i sat down on the sofa next time, and just leaned over. he hugged me tightly so i knew he wasnt mad...probably disapointed but not mad. so i apologised.

but my behavior makes me sick. this is totally not like me at all. even for all the years i was really depressed i only had suicidal thoughts like twice in three years...despite being depressed for over 3 years. i just dont get it. the mood swings that my period's been bringing me are more and more intense, and are screwing with my mental processes more and more these days. and i dont know why. i thought if i typed this out i could see why...

but i dont see anything but stupidty and selfishness.

Things...

2005-09-27T20:55:00.000-07:00

This is a true story:

I went to bed one night, a bit on the upset side, and thinking of corey. i wanted him to be there and hold me. (is that really new?) so i fell asleep and the time passes. around three or four in the morning, i feel two firm taps on my exposed shoulder out from under the blanket and then i heard my name called in a familiar voice. It sounded like corey. but how and why? i snapped my eyes open and there in the complete darkness, save for maybe a light haze from the outside world beyound my window stood a white figure. I suddenly found myself cowering further into my covers, but this "figure" had my complete attention. i wasnt really afraid at first, just curious. at least if i was afraid at the time i didnt feel it. the figure was reaching out for me, and seemed to be smileing. i really couldnt make out its face but it was definatly male. after a few moments of lingering (probably less them a minute) it turned and vanished. before i knew it my arm shot out and for some reason i still called it corey knowing that it obviously wasnt. i groped the darkness for a moment...wondering what it was. was it real? did a dream surpass its etheral quality?

it was then when i felt fear trickle into me. i shivered gently as i hid a bit more under my blankets, wondering about this. i tried to calm my nerves and eventually managed to fall asleep again. but i have to wonder to this day what that was.

no i'm not crazy and i wasnt hallucinating...i mean explain the tap, the voice and the appearence of something that glowed in the middle of a completly dark room...both blinds drawn and a closed door. it was very early so hardly if any light creeped in through the windows, yet there he was, a bit fuzzy...probably more so cause i didnt have my contacts on (obviously.) it was the strangest thing ever.

this happened awhile ago. if you really want to know, i can search my lj for when i wrote about it. but yeah...drop a line sometime will you? or maybe reply to my e-mail. ^_~

GVBFUIEWBVEFABUISPA UI!!! >_<

2005-06-11T17:32:00.000-07:00

<>

*sighs* this sucks. my life sucks. and before some one says it doesnt, i'm just gripping and i know for a damn well fact that my life is good. i have excellent friends. THANK YOU!! (for those who say i never thank anyone *coughcoughchriscough* and i have food in my tummy, and a roof over my head yadda yadda yadda...you know the drill. but i mean...it'd be nice if people called me back like they say they will. amanda. i call her today cause i get fed up with not doing anything, and shes at someones house, and says shes gotta stick around for at least another 15 minutes. thats fine with me, i wasnt in a hurry...just fed up. i tell her to call me back when she gets out. that was at 3-ish...its now 7:30. what the fuck? ok. doing it once or twice is fine. haveing a valid excuse is fine. but damn it, dont tell me ok...just to shut me up...and then not go through with it. i could have done something else in the time i waiting for someone to fucking call me back!! >_<

Last night was a complete and total drag. i wanted to spend some alone time with corey after visiting with brain for awhile. i figure i could make both of us happy that way. so we go get pizza, cause it was 8:00PM by the time corey got to my house. Of course the day i actually plan to do something, corey's late. alwasy happens...but whatever i cant blame him if work holds him back. he does have a more important postion now with more responsbilaty. why he takes an hours long shower, lord only knows...and only has to do the laundry everyday...but whatever. i can overlook ALL of that...cause i figured it would be alright in the end.

Ok so we pick up pizza (mind you its raining...all day and all night) we go over to brains house, and we dont even park, cause apperantly his grandparents are over. so we drive away and sit in a parking lot, to have dinner...cause we still havent eaten jack at like 9:30-10:00!! No wonder i was sick all night. of course that didnt last long, cause then we get a call from brain asking if we'd help him drive his grandparents home, because its stormy and no one really wants them to drive back. so we do, and bring back brain. we sit in his room, while corey and brian tinker with computers. I tried makeing a keyring that corey wanted for his car, but i didnt have suffcient materials. got bored...and eventually re-installed Uru into brians laptop.

Yaaay...not really. i played the game for a little bit, even though i was annoyed at this point, cause i had tried several times to get corey to leave so we could spend time togther. of course by the time i started playing Uru it was already passed midnight, and corey had work in the morning...so scratch the whole "spending time with him alone" bit. So i finally drag corey off the computer so i dont have to hear him bitch about how he didnt get enough sleep and is tired today (not that i've seen him today) and because brain had a six in the morning flight. we get back to my house. i'm cold, tired and cranky so i just let him go. no point in fighting...i wouldnt win anyways. it would be selfish.

so got up this morning...and well...thats all i've done. i re-made corey's keyring, still dunno if its big enough though. he didnt show up to see if it did, so whatever...i guess it can wait till he gets back from arizona. oh yeah, i didnt mention that either. hes leaveing for a week to arizona to his grandma's funeral...so i really wont have anything to do for the next week. -_-; too much me time...no corey...amanda will start working at starbucks so she'll be busy...brain is busy with flight and i'm sure sooner or later he'll start chem at edison...so yeah. i'm looking forward to it. NOT this summer is going to be joyous. especially when mom and dad leave for vacation leaveing me behind to fend for julio. not myself mind you, but my older brother.

Not to mention i feel horriable about myself at the moment. and before someone says "its your attitude" and "you can change that." I damn well know that! And i've fucking tried...of course its never good enough or hard enough...because i feel i'm never good enough for anything. but i'm not going there either. >_< Oh and did i mention i HATE my hair now. its a first i assure you. while it looks nice, it isnt me...i hate it...

Do i sound pissed yet? cause i've made myself go from annoyed and frustrated to pissed just thinking about all of this.

I think i'm just repeating myself from this point on, save for the last two paragraphs: y the time he gets back i'll be on my periord
no wonder i'm so sick and tired of everything, i want to leave. i want to be some where new and exciting. somewhere were i'll be entertained...somewhere far away from my folks and corey. so they can all realise what the hell it is that i do for them. i may not be the best fucking daughter or girlfriend...but hell...i'm so tired of everything

i'm tired of waiting for corey...and i'm tired of haveing the same old arguments with my parents, and hearing them whine about the same ol stuff. i'm tired of amanda ignoreing me and never returning my phone calls...and tired of this stupid stuck up snobby county that wont even call me to tell me they dont want me. bah...and hes leaveing to arizona this week....soooo i really have nothing to do this following week. i get all the me time i can get...and boy am i looking forward to it. not! and i have a boreing faimly get together that i wont even bother asking him to go to with me cause hes either working or just doesnt want to go

yaaaaay...my summers looking better and better...oh and my parents are planning on leaveing on vacation sooner or later too...only there going by themselves...so that leaves me with julio...alone. >_<

Sometimes i wonder if love really is just a fleeting emotion. if it is JUST an act to re-assure ones-self and give themselves a blanket of protection. I could go on perfectly fine without corey, because the more i think about how i'm alwasy waiting for him to make up his mind. i'm alwasy waiting for him...and alwasy serving him. even though he does alot for me. but its just. i dunno...three years and while he loves me and cares, he doesnt seem to want to face the future or plan for it. i'm ready at least emotionally to be at least given some sort of verbal dream to put in my head. i can wait...and for now will. but damn it, its hard waiting for..well...NOTHING

Its no wonder i want to leave. i have to wonder if corey will clean up his act if i leave. wonder if my parents will stop worrying about the damn house, and start careing for each other again. have to wonder if anyone would actually miss me. if julio would get his act together, grow some balls and just plain grow up. Or i have to wonder that if i leave everything will change for the worse. but right now i dont care. i want change, and i'm prepared for the consequences...because i'm too fucking tired of it all. < /rant >

Update-ish:

2004-06-08T19:52:00.000-07:00

So i havent written in awhile...kind of been hermitish. Things havent been too busy really. Hrrmm. I wonder what i last wrote about. since like friday things were in an uproar. but friday was still nice none the less. Saturday was Chris's dinner thing and that was lots of fun, with good food. Though dinner fell ill in me tummy, cause i was stressed, so i was sick for like half of Sunday. Service was good, and lunch afterwards, was tasty made by Corey's mom...who'd think salad was tasty, not me, but i didnt eat much of that or dessert because i wasnt feeling well.

Sunday afternoon i spent at corey's place watching a cheesy 80's movie, which was quite amuseing. It was just nice to sit and kind of cuddle with him. didnt get too cuddly, because i refuse to be touchy feely with his folks home. it just doesnt look right. But still it was nice and quiet. its alwasy quiet there...and its nice. its relaxing. we all just wanted to take a nap, but i didnt dare.

Err...Monday was alright. Did lots of running around with dad cause my brother was being stuborn and didnt feel like going. I helped him haul a trailor, and then load and unload a tractor he purchashed. It was cool though...i didnt have anything better to do.

Today i woke up and was going to go to the bank, and to petsmart to pick up an application...but i overslept and had to get to my appointment, and by the time i got back it was pouring, so i decided against it. so i just sorta watched tv all afternoon and sat on the comp all evening. News in the other deparment is, my cars acting up, so i need to spend more money to temporarily fix it. So i can sell it. Thats right, sell it. were just going to rid ourselves of my beloved headache...i love it, but its not worth it. not worth fixing over and over again. makes me want to be a mechanic so i can work on it. but the whole thing has me kind of sad. I havent really thought about any of the other things that had me mopeing, so i guess thats a good thing. i have a migraine that wont go away. sides from that i think thats all...i'm gonna go so i can go to bed soon.

Something to show for today:

2004-06-03T16:04:00.000-07:00

I was able to finish the above painting dureing the bunches of hours i had free with nothing to do...and i love the end product. its wonderful. I hope you peeps enjoy it too.

well lets see...other then painting the day away i have done nothing. absoultly nothing. oh well...cest la vie. at least today was not a total loss. :D

-_- Tuesday

2004-06-01T13:01:00.000-07:00

Its Tuesday....so that means i get to sit around the house doing absoulutly nothing. so i figured i havent been online in a few days, that its time to update.

Friday went well. i got up, had lunch, and ran to the beauty parlor to have my hair cut and styled. It needed something. its been over 9 months since i cut, highlighted or did anything in particular to my hair. but its nice to have it all pretty and stuff.

Also went out with Corey friday night, but didnt do much. we stoped by Brian's house, cause he finally called me back. I was worried. ;_; but alas he called so we sat around and chatted. the three of us like old times. it was nice to see him again and i'm sure Corey is really glad to have him back. I had some sort of panic/anxiety attack...and have been feeling a little out of tune since then.

Saturday was fun. I picked up Chris and then Corey came over. we had lunch and then went to play pool at Arts for awhile. Got all nervous there and ended up just curled up in a corner for most of the evening. That panic attack has messed me up. we then proceeded to head over to Flenners to find Brian...but he had disappeared. We tracked him down, and then left him there. then we just dropped chris off and hung out at his house for awhile. Theres probably more...but its really just a bunch of laughs and giggles...and all that stuff that cant even be recalled. go figure.

Saturday night, got hardly any sleep, and got up really early sunday to take a shower and then go to church. from what i remember the sermon was good, but i was half asleep the entire time. it drove me up the wall. i spent half the day in a daze till i crashed in my Great Aunt's apartment. We went to miami after church to take Grandma and my Great Aunt home...they had spent a few days with us at home. The day was none the less un-eventful otherwise.

This leads us to Monday. Woke up to a phone call from corey. the best way to wake up any day. finished talking to him, and then hoped in the shower. got out, ate something, and then called chris. told him i'd be by to pick him up, and just as i got in the car, corey pulls up behind me and i was like, "well so much for that." So then i just climb into his car and together we go get Chris. we pick up chris and proceed to go over to Brian's house. we sit around and chat and talk about the days plans. we decide to go Jeeping which means we have to put the mud tires on the jeep. the boys go about doing that, and i was asked by brians mom to help make some really tasty sandwhiches for lunch. we had a nice lunch with everyone, and then proceeded to go jeeping. the boys had a great time, and i had a good time for most of the time. sorta got a little sick towards the end and that sorta made me moody.

We went back to brians house, and goofed around for a while, just joking and seeing what else we could do. By this time i was a little annoyed. to be honest i guess i thought i could control my moodyness but it never happened. i got a little miffed, cause i've gotten used to haveing corey all to myself, and now it was back to shareing. and though thats fine, and thats how it should be...i just wanted a little time for just me and him. but leave it to me to never say anything, i just got moody and angry, and holed myself up in the recliner while chris and brian played magic, and Corey watched. I didnt want to stay for dinner. but brians folks roped us into staying for dinner too...tasty burgers. mmm. then we went to play pool and i felt bad for keeping corey up late. but i had a good time, and my mood sorta went away after dinner, which was good. I just hope he wasnt too tired this morning.

So that leads us to today. i get up to a completly silent house...no ones home...vacation is over, and everyones back to work. get up, get in the shower. have some lunch, watch some tv, and finally decide to check my e-mail which i havent done in like over 3 days. so here i am blogging for lack of anything else to do. i could go out...but theres no where to go. everyone except brian is off doing something...but i'm sure even brian is doing something cause his folks are happy to have him back. so i'm bored...i dont like the drastic change between exting end of the week and weekend stuff and boreing weekdays. it bothers me, and the constant changes affects my emotions greatly...it makes me depressed being cooped up all the time. but everyone is alwasy doing something. i need work. guess i should work on finding a job this week. joy. but money is a good thing though. well i guess thats all.

Hmmm:

2004-05-28T16:37:00.000-07:00

*Stares at the screen for a moment*

Another journal? Like i need another on-line journal. but what the heck, one can never have enough simply because its useful to have one to fall back on that everyone does NOT know about.

I was bored and trying to keep my anger from boiling over so here i am, jotting my thoughts in yet another on-line journal. I was reading Rachel's journal for the sake of trying to catch up to speed with her. i'm curious about other people, seeing as at the moment i am highly peeved at those so called friends i have. none seem interested in me. none seem to care that i worry if i do not hear from them in a long time. They come and go, and normally would pass by to say hi, but not even a hello, a sight of them...nothing. They dont seem to care.

I wondered last time this happened if i was simply that forgetable? but then i decided that it wasnt me, it was them. i think they all have selfish reasons to stay and hide from me. be it that they fear the fact that i no longer fear telling them straight up how i feel about things....or that they simply dont care about all the things i have done for them. Maybe they just wish to be selfish an not involve me in any of their doings. i mean it wasnt uncommon to be with my two best friends and feel left out...as if i were the younger sibling they were forced to hang out with. But i'm definatly good for when someone needs a ride to work, or misss the bus to school, or needs to print out that last minute report...or even to be used as an open ear for the endless pointless rants they bestow upon me. i have to wonder sometimes, i really do

i mean i love my friends. i spent a good too many years with no friends...nothing. so they mean alot to me. i weeded out all the really bad friends, those who were fake or foolish...or those who would use and lie to me. It was a painfull process for me to rid myself of what i had fought so hard for..so quickly. i thought that those left would be the ones that would be around forever. they probably will, simply because i still consider them my sisters...but still. it makes me very angry, it hurts me that they dont care enough to say hello to me.

Do i really deserve this distrust? this painful frustrating feeling that theres alwasy someone better then me out there when they dont need me? Please...sure i can be selfish at times, but its about damn time i was. I mean i was selfless to the point of makeing myself sick...of passing out and afterwards not stopping to take the neasary breather needed to cure me, just to countinue helping someone out. i need sometime for me. yes i can also be very moody, which at times means i can be very rude and crude...but geez i'm only human. everyone has their bad points. I've worked very hard to tear the mask away i used to wear every single day...the fake smile, just to let everyone know i was alright, when in reality i was not.

"I'm not alwasy that ray of sunshine."

everyone makes me out to seem. i am human. i have feelings...lots of them. I'm confused and sometimes unbeareable. i've had to deal with alot of stuff that normal kids got to grow into casually and with time...I had to grow up quickly, and then digress to learn what i missed and then catch up again to be that so called "Young adult" i'm supoused to be. I've worked very hard at myself, and i'm near the point were i can actually say, i'm lightly pleased with myself. I can actually look myself in the mirror and smile, and not frown and say what an ugly thing stands before me. I can finally re-assure myself that i do in fact deserve all that i have, and that i am worth more then the dirt the people walk on.

Yet still i dont let that go to my head. still i would wake up at 3 in the morning without question to aid someone with their troubles. Still my house and heart are open to all those who seek it. so why, oh why, is it that i suffer each day with this ignorance? with this carelessness...with the thought that those i care most about, dont really care all that much for me?? It's a deep wound for me to bare.

(Wow thats a really long rant and i think i could actually rant more on it, but i dont want too...my wrist is hurting...i'll definatly suffer from carpel syndrome down the road.)