just random rammbling:

I just finished my doll website! What ever needs to be added now, will come as i get the children themselves...or something i think to add. :)

http://www.geocities.com/siloutemirage

Please take a look if you like, and tell me what you think!!

Random Musings:

Hmm its been a long while since i last wrote in here. alot has happened since then, and yet from reading my last blog, i'm not quite sure how long ago that even was. i figured it was complications in my relationship, that have since been solved...so i really cant even say anything about that.

So whats new in my life? I'm no longer in school, really on my own choice. you know its pretty frustrating to go and take classes over and over again and not even know if thats what you even need to take because you dont even know what major you want to major in. My reasoning behind it all? i needed to find a job as back up to school falling apart on me.

And i did find it. i started working in a trophy shop for awhile. and let me tell you thats certainly an interesting "trade." I never expected such complexties...and such simplicities in something thats held so special to so many people. the "art" of making a trophy or plaque really isnt very impressive. the machinary used to make the parts or labels are far more impressive then the end product themselves. either way i learned some interesting things. did some interesting stuff, and felt pretty cool to be the one behind the scenes making something to honor someone.

unfortunatly that lasted really shortly...they laid me off cause they couldnt afford to keep me on staff. i guess thats the problem working for a small mom and pop job. so after that i went on vacation.

I went to Georgia to see the new Georgia aquariam. it was great! we had a great time. after that we spent the rest of the time on the road. i wish i would have taken pics of more then just the aquariam itself. Georgia and Alabhama are actually quite beautiful, and i saw some nice sceneary. a pleasent change to that of Florida.

After that i spent alot of time at home. finding work in this town is alwasy diffcult. but recently i found work in the job bank for the county. so far i'm content to work here doing random tid bits of clerical work. i like it. its not bad and i feel "helpful" for lack of a better word. :)

Last friday was my birthday so i'm also another year older. nothing truely eventful happened. i just went out to dinner with my boyfriend and Amanda and we had a good time. also corey and i have been dating for over 4 years now...yeah i know when are we going to do something else about it? dont ask me. i wouldnt know.

so hmmm...there really isnt anything else thats new. i still dabble in interesting art projects, always trying to make something interesting new. starting new hobbies...but nothing note worthy....so yeah. thats the past few months in a nutshell...umm incase anyone is interested. :P

"Where do you go when your lonely?
Where do you go when your blue?
where do you go when your lonely?
I will follow you."

What is four years to someone? what is four minutes? are they the same, or different? What about love? i know everyone shows love differently, but does it mean the same to everyone? does it really have the same definition to every single person who experiences it.

How about intimacy? whether its sex or less...four play, or hugging or kissing...what if the smallest gesture means the world to one partner, and to the other its just a gesture? does this make the intimacy of the relationship any less? is it tarnished? is it unsastisfactory? is it wrong?

what about trust? what exactly does it mean. does it mean to give everything up for that feeling of safty, happiness and comfort that the term trust brings to mind? why is it so diffcult to trust? the world is painful whether you trust or not. If you love someone for a long time, but hold yourself back for fear of getting hurt if that person leaves; wont it hurt all the same if the person leaves, and you never tell them you love them? wont it hurt more from the regret of not saying it? it hurts if you say you love them...and it hurts if you dont say anything at all. at least you wont regret not saying it, if the worse happens.

If you have dreams, of happiness, marriage and future endevours is that bad? does that mean your trying to change your partner, because you dream of these things. if you really want it, does it mean you want to change them. even if you dont care how long it will take, does it really mean your trying to change them. if its mutual then why is it so bad.

can i really be so selfish, that when someone is trying to tell me something i wont see it? what if there silent with their pleads? i dont understand his silence. i feel like i've given everything...and he doesnt. but at the same time, he gives me time and energy and money...and apperantly time and dreams were sacraficed for me. but all for the idea of "wanting to help me." is wanting to help me, the same as wanting to BE WITH me? why am i sacrafice? am i being selfish for clinging on to him? why doesnt he say anything, when i do exactly what he asks of me. to the tee...no devations this time. i spoke my mind, off the bat, and didnt wait till the last minute, or late at night to say anything. yet i was so un-satisified with the simple "ok" i got in response of my comment...that i dragged it out into the lack of communication argument.

and there is a lack of communication. or is there a lack of understanding. maybe its a lack of understanding. maybe i've just lost my patience to wait for him. i know theres something special about him. i want him to see it. i just cant explain it. i cant see it, or touch it, or explain it....but i feel it. this "thing" whatever it is, is what keeps me in this relationship...because i know i can help "it"...help him...if he'll let me. but he wont let me in.

I dont think he trusts me. isnt four years enough to establish trust? i asked him once if something really bad ever happened to him, and he told me no. i dont know if that was truthful, but why would i not believe him...so then why is it so diffcult to trust and love? i dont understand. i cant understand his silence. is his silence the key? i dont know. why cant he tell me what hes thinking? why cant he let me in? am i that bad? am i a posion?

yet i feel like i've abandoned him. i told him my feelings, every feeling, tear...everything poured out like a well of water. but still i feel horriable and like i've abandoned him. i feel horriable. like i've failed as girlfriend. I'm selfish, dis-respecting, a slut, just plain wrong. i dont understand. i dont. i thought it was all for love and happiness...where'd the love and happiness go? what have i been doing for 4 years? what? all i get for the majority of the conversation is silence. why? what have i done. why silence? whats it mean?

maybe i should go away. just pack up and leave. not say anything to anyone...leave them to wonder in silence. maybe i should be the lone wolf i always thought i was intended to be. maybe i should just walk into the ocean and not come back...on comeing traffic...something.

why am i never good enough for anything? why cant i understand? why...

why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why

*cries*
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Troubled times:

Well i know i've rammbled on about this for awhile. i know i said i wouldnt say anything and just bid my time as a warning.

well last night everything i said flew out the window.

i went to church like usual on sundays (i spent saturday in miami if anyone was curious) i almost didnt show up, but i was there. i woke up early and couldnt sleep so i decided rather then waste my morning tossing and turning i'd go to church. the sermon was typical of the easter month sermons. (getting a little bored of em actually...oooh bad christian here.) and afterwards i grabbed some cookies and waited for corey to finish doing his usher duties...but then he had to run off to a voters meeting. Those damn meetings take all frickin day. men are so un-decisive and they call women undecisive. so i helped the little kids with their easter egg hun, kind of. i just amused myself watching them really. their cute.

As people left the church i picked up corey's suit jacket and tie, and moved it to the fellowship hall cause i wasnt sure if the pastors wife would lock up the church when she left. bah oh well not imporant. after time, the meeting let out, i gave corey his stuff and like usual bam he was gone. we made plans to meet up later and go to the mall.

I knowing corey well, came home, had lunch, watched part of a moive on tv, and took a shower, before he actually showed up. so we didnt leave till like three. we were at the mall till 6. we had dinner at the mall. mmm pizza. and then i suggest we go to clam pass again. (bad idea on my part.) the beach was beautiful at sunset. we walked around some paths, but the no-see-um's kept biting me, so in the end i was pretty miserable. but we did sit in a chair together to watch the sunset and that was nice. and we were happy.

...we were happy all the way home, were we teased each other and stuff. nautrally it is 9pm and corey is tired....and thats when it happened. (mind you i didnt wait till 11 o clock to tell him this stuff. dont i get anything for that? *sighs*) I told him i loved him very much, and that i'd do anything for him. that i feel like i've done most of the work in this relationship. that if i dont call, or make plans or do whatever, would he actually do anything in return. (sounds familiar right?) then i told him that i think hes married to work, and scouts...and that he uses that as an excuse. i tried to leave out the whole sleeping issue completly. because thats something beyound his control...ooutside of maybe eating better, or seeing a docotor about it. i asked him if he was really happy with the way things are currently...he said yes. (and i'm still not so sure.) thats what made everything i said after that make me feel horriable.

I told him its almost 4 years together. that i think i've changed, hopefully for the better. that i seriously doubt that i can phase out the annoying quirks i have. i want him to realise this, cause i dont think he does. i told him i understand who he is, the quiet guy, the non-romantic guy...stuff like that...but then i told him i conflict with what i need and what i want. i told him hes everything i need. he kind and sweet, gentle, protective, and he cares...but is it wrong to want to see him more. (told him once a week isnt enough and wensdays dont really count) would it kill him to be more spontanious once in a blue moon? i told him i couldnt remember the last time he'd actually agreed without some excuse or something to just up and do something like Tuesday night. maybe i'm forgetting sometime...but either way...i couldnt. In the end i told him i'm not happy. that i'm really sorry about everything i do that ticks him off like what i was doing that very moment.

I told him that i'm tired of trying everything in my power to make things better. that i dont know what else to do...i told him its up to him now. the balls in his court. i told him he's looseing me.

After a few more moments of silence...i got up and went to my car to get some tissues, cause i was crying the whole time. i told him he should go, cause he was tired before and wanted to leave. but i couldnt let my feelings go un-said again. i came back and sat down, and i hadnt noticed he'd already started walking away. i got my keys out, opened the door, turned the light out, and watched him walk away. i got inside before he turned out the driveway, but i stopped to watch him again. maybe that will be the last time i see him....i dont know.
it's up to him.

unless he keeps me hanging till i have to break things up.
i said a prayer and read a book to calm my nerves as i was freezing and shaking. i felt relieved to finally say those things, but now i'm just plain worried. i dont know where i stand now.
so yeah thats whats up.

sorry for the long rammble...i'm going to go wash the dog, or eat lunch, or cry or something....

Trouble in Paradise:

...*shakes Bojangles.*

I'm trying. trying to keep a postive outlook on things. trying really really hard.but its not working.

I'm really all tied up over the relationship thing. i'm not happy at all. i run through my options in my head over and over again. i cry...i do it again. i hope, dream, cry some more. i'm stuck. stuck stuck stuck stuck. i hate it.

i dont even work tommorow. they called me and told me that work is sooo slow that they dont need me. blah. called amanda but she cant come out and play, so i might go over to school tommorow and hang out with peoples from there. dunno though. i'm not really in a social mood.

i just want something different.

i want out of everything.

maybe i should just take a break.

i dont want to do that with our anniversary right around the corner. i mean, major bummer.

big chris is annoying the hell out of me.

i'm on my damn period so i'm extra emo too. argh. ARGH!!! FUCK FUCKITY FUCK FUCK!!!

*cries*

I'm lieing to myself...i know what i have to do, but i dont want to do it. my heart is breaking. i never thought this would come to be. but i guess its not the first time my hearts been shattered and i've wanted to die from it. whats new, right? I'm convienced God doesnt want me to be happy anyways....so whatever....

Looking at Myself...:

Looking at Myself......Through someone else's eyes.

First off i'd like to say that this entry is a result to something i realised the other night. it might not make any sense to anyone except me. (although amanda and katt might have a better understanding.) but i just felt the need to write it out clearly. i'm sorry if these odd posts seem so abstract...i guess thats how my brain thinks. so i'll guess i'll start, and hopefully someone will be able to follow along.

When i was younger my head was always stuck in a dream world. a fantasy world that I created. not from a book, or a movie...but a world that i myself created. I always passed it off as an over reactive imagination, and never thought of it much. I created characters that seemed real to me, and no one else. they lived and breathed in my mind, almost to the point where i could speak with them. often acting out their interactions with each other in my head or in play.

I remember i used to refer to my characters as my "children."

They were special too me, like friends i could never have. but again, i never thought much of it. as the years passed, i dreamt up new worlds and characters but i never forgot the old ones. constantly adding onto these worlds makeing them bigger and better. right up untill about junior or senior year of highschool, those worlds occupied my time and imagination. right up untill i realised that my stories and characters were my escape from reality. things went down hill from there. a depression hit, and that was about the last time my art and stories were really used as an escape...since then i've embraced reality, and my worlds started slipping away from me.

I hardly draw my "children" anymore. i never could understand why. i could remember them vividly, but they just never saw paper as much as they used to...they just slipped away...and i became engrossed in life and trying to figure myself out. untill i just didnt use them as an escape anymore (very rarely anyways, as i sometimes still write in a few rpg's) the other night i had a thought hit me, and its changed the way i view these characters of mine.

these characters, are me!

They are extensions of myself, my wants, desires, dreams, and sorrows. they took me away from the realworld and let me explore life safely wrapped up in the arms of my world. with each new major event in my life, someone else was born...a part of me...they got a name, a face and a personality. I grew through them instead through myself, and that is why i find myself so detached from the world. (its psycology mummble-jumbo you know?)I took the time to write out my characters (the major ones, the ones i'm closet too.) to figure out who was who, and why they appeared. so here they are. since i dont even have pics of all of them i will make a short description of them. some you might be fammiliar with, others you may never have heard of, as they were personal attachments. Here goes:

Crystal Rymes:
sex: female
age: older teenager
race: Human
physical description: about 5' 7", long brown hair, brown eyes, thin, natural beauty.
Date of creation: she's been around the longest, as she is my original character. i invented her sometime dureing my elementry school days.

~ Crystal stands for the beginning of my escape into my art and stories. She stood for who i wanted to be like; strong, kind, beautiful, strong willed. I used to have a strong connection with her but that has since diminished greatly


Diana:
sex: female
age: late twenties maybe even early thirties
race: Kobold (a wolf anthropomorphic creature, animal with human qualities)
physical description: Tall, strong build, atheletic. grey short fur all over, black curly hair, green eyes, with a few stripes in key areas of her body.
Date of creation: Diana was created along with Crystal. although originally she was a feline anthro.

~Diana stands for my motherly instinct. She is my tendency to watch over others and to care for them. I also had a strong connection with Diana. it has since diminished as well, but a part of personality is always around....


Note no one was created dureing my middle school years...

KitBash or Kittner Bashette
:sex: female
age: used to follow mine, now mid-teens
race: Feline anthro
Physical description: 5' 5", thin and lanky build, cotton pink hair,(although KitBash was suppoused to have constantly changeing hair color, to suit her moods) blue eyes.Date of creation: Freshman or Sophmore year of highschool.

~KitBash stands for my optimisim, innocence, curiosity, randomness, and over all happyness. I had a strong connection with her for a very long time. consequently, she came into creation when i met amanda and katt (and a few others) who were my first true friends...something i always seeked when i was younger. no doubt finding friendship was the wellspring of my happiness...of KitBash's never ending happiness and energy.

Gail "Gallows" Terren:
sex: maleage: late 20's when he was first created...late thirites as his story progresses
race: human (european)
Physical Description: Average heigth, grey/silver hair in a messy mid length cut, steel blue eyes, scar on right side of his face and ear.
date of creation: junior or senior year of highschool.

~Gail stands for my depression, darkside, coldness and is also the harborer of my inner pains. Gail was created after a realisation of my constant depression. i'm pretty sure it was after a break up with someone i cared for deeply. i remember spending an entire week engrossed in his story.

Luc Banner:
sex: female
age: mid teens
race: Human (irish)physical description: average hiegth, bright red head cut in a really short bob, freackles, green eyes.
date of creation: Although Luc was created back in my elementary days, she never really took on a personality till my highschool days when she became a part of Gail's story.

~Luc stands for my adventure seeking, wild side, some times crazy luck (either good or bad. hence her name.) and my use of anger as a facade to hide my true feelings. I am still pretty strongly connected to her, if so more now as i begin to gain confidence in myself and my desires for adventure counintue to emerege.


Flick Grimmace:
sex: male
age: slightly older then Luc
race: Human (part indian, part european.)
physical description: tall average build, long black hair pulled back in a pony tail, brown eyes.
date of creation: Same time as Luc.

~Flick stands for my easy going, stupidity, ignorance, clumsyness, clueless-ness and good humor. whenever i do something stupid or ignorant...i imagine Flick's goofy grin as he nervously laughs it off. Although all the bad traits, flick is actually a very pleasent and easygoing person.

Laura Banner:
sex: female
age: late 20's. deceased.
race: human (irish)
physical description: tall, wavy red hair, blue eyes, no freckles.
date of creation: Same as Gail's

~Laura stands for my grace, mysterios air and elegance. I have little connection to her, as i feel these are traits that i have but are very weak in me. she sort of the "i look up to" type person.

Sozo
sex: male
age: a little older then KitBash
race: feline anthro
physical description: slightly shorter then average heigth, white fur, blonde hair, blue eyes.
date of creation: around with KitBash but a little later.

~Sozo is the character i relate too the least. he stands for my dreams, future dreams and asperations. for some reason i have great diffculty visualizing these things, and therefore i have little connection to him. he is of gentle demenor.

Nimeaway
sex: female
age: early twenties
race: fairy/butterfly anthro
physical description: tall thin delicate build, curly reddish-orange build with gold highlights, antennas, and butterfly wings
date of creation: The first summer i was dateing corey. she was based on a pendent corey gave me, which was a goldstone shaped in the form of a butterfly.

~Nimeaway stands for the beginning of my relationship with Corey. realisation of my feelings for him as well as my new feelings of wanderlust and desire to travel. "fly" i have a weak connection with Nimeaway ever since the pendant she was based on broke.



so these are my children. i think now that i look at them i can see ties to events in my life and the way i behave and interact in response to outside stimulisis. its kind of odd really. but things seem to have a different look to them, now that i have analised them all. I feel better getting this all out in writting too. but i guess i'll end this now, cause this entry is already waaaaaaaaay to long.

Thoughs on the Recurrent Issue:

I had a really crummy weekend. and i had an equally mentally exhausting conversation with corey last night. it ended alright...although it did infact end with going to bed early after takeing some asprin for the headache i gave myself. i was just sad about my ferret, sad about the weekend...and something was bothering me.

I realised that corey gets annoyed at me when i "fall into" my little bouts of depression. he says he doesnt understand how i can be fine at one point, then do one thing wrong and be upset about it for like ever. I realised that he doesnt get any closer (also i assume this is why he doesnt 'commit" any further into the realtionship) because he fears that i'll never change this...and that he may be stuck with it for the rest of our lives (if and when we comit to each other.)

I told him that i work very hard to change my attitude around, and i have noticed many differences. i'm not half as depressed as i used to be. i'm usually pretty cheery unless i'm tired, hungry (which are mostly natural for humans in general) or am on my period; in which case i am very emotional. but usually i can go through even my period with just a few incidents of sadness...and thats usually due to being uncomfortable or weak or pain.

I told him that there wasnt any point for me to countinue working as hard as i do towards my attitude if it wasnt only going to bring about the same outcome. it seems we alwasy have this argument. it alwasy occurs from different situations but deep down it really is the same issue. i told him i couldnt stand to hurt him anymore. that i try really hard, for myself and for him, because i love him. but there was no point in countinueing if we were going to have the same argument over and over again.

I also told him that theres the possiability that i may never completly change this "issue." i may never phase it out completly...as i am human and i'm not perfect. we all have our quirks, right? and i wanted him to understand this. i wanted to know if i was worth that grief...if it was worth this constant viglance on my attitude. when i asked him "is it worth it? am i worth it??" he almost imeadiatly said "yeah." this brought almost an instant smile to my face as i expected him to say "i dont know." i even thanked him for his on the spot answer. after that the conversation dwindled...i was tired, and i knew he was too...so i told him

"I'm going to let you go now."

"Ok. Drink some asprin and go to bed ok?"

"Yeah...I love you."

"I love you too."

"Good night."

"night."

Maybe i should keep track of these little break downs. i know theres one more factor that contributes to my odd mood swings, but were both aware of this...and i didnt feel it was something i needed to share. so yeah i just thought id write this down to finally get it out of my system.

I feel much better this morning, even though the stress from last night killed my stomach and i was sick pretty much all day. but work was alright. the day passed quickly...and i was told we did a job job while the bosses were out of town. (we being me and the other employee Bob) i really didnt do much today though. just go through paper work with them to verifie what needed to be billed, what needed to be done...and what was done while they were gone. i worked on one thing today...and that was it. but it was still nice.

Mom had today off so she played with Frenchie, my last remaining ferret...as i fear he will get lonely...so i want to play with him more often. i was hopeing him and Kalee would get along, so that i could just let the two of them out while i was home...but yesterday frenchie tried to "play" with kalee, and grabbed ahold of her cheek and whiskers. needless to say she freaked out and was not happy. i guess i'll have to think of something else. I'll miss my little nipper. :(

oh well i guess thats everything i have to say today.

Update on my life...

for anyone who actually reads this. (can only think of like 2 or 3 people)

I have a job now! I work as a type-setter/graphic designer at a small trophy shop in town. work is good and i like it.

still seeing corey, with little complications. work has added a little extra challenge...but its alright. (though we did have one of our quirky weekends.)

still going to church and choir practice. nothing new there really.

took this semester off to find work. and i did, so i need to go back on one of my days off and figure out if i'll be takeing anything over the summer. summer classes are harder ;_; cause they are waaay shorter then normal classes.

My kitten Kalee is doing fine.

My ferret Nipper passed away yesterday...i now only have one ferret.

My car still lives...thank god.

umm i cant think of anything else. read my lj if you really want a day to day update. just go to Http://www.livejournal.com
and search for Kittywolf13

Yup thats my current life in a nutshell. :)

MANGA FOR SALE!!!

I decided to sell some of the manga i have that i really dont read any more or didnt enjoy too much when i bought them. so i decided to offer them up here first:

MARS: volume's 1, 2, 3 and 10

I.N.V.U. volume 1

Real Bout High School volume 3

Dragon Knights Volume 1, 2, 3, and 4

i'm asking for six dollars a piece. (if you really want something then we can discuss it through notes or e-mail) i dont have pay pal so it would be through either check or money order. Shipping and handling will be according to how many you purchase.

If you have any questions, note me or e-mail me at:

Kittywolf13@yahoo.com

please put in the subject line "Manga's for Sale" or something along those lines so i dont delete it as spam.

Thanks for takeing a look! :)